New Wembley: Lots of Toilets

Finally, the truth emerges. The new improved Wembley is later than John Inman for one reason: the Aussie chancers who have spent the last 34 years building our new national stadium have had to install 2,618 toilets (although the vast swathes set aside for executive suites probably took a bit of time to knock together too). But even the amount of dung flowing through that sphincter-boggling amount of Royal Doulton pales into insignificance compared to today's rubbish. First up, we have the news that Cristiano Ronaldo is demanding a figure roughly similar to the cost of the new Wembley in return for his continued presence in Salford. He wants £120,000 a week and, possibly, the home phone numbers of the entire female cast of Hollyoaks (the ones over 16, mind) before he'll even consider scrawling his name on some Old Trafford stationery. Once Lord Ferg has settled that deal, he'll turn his attention to snaffling Aldo Duscher, the man who knacked David Beckham's metatarsal before the 2002 World Cup. Ronaldo does things I have never seen anybody do, says Charlton Sir Alex Ferguson confirmed yesterday that contract negotiations with Cristiano Ronaldo were proceeding according to plan on the day the Portuguese winger received arguably the most glowing tribute yet. Sir Bobby Charlton, a Manchester United director and ideally qualified to discuss the quality of footballers to have played for the club over the past half-century, described the 22-year-old as possessing abilities he has not seen before, no mean praise from a former player who enjoyed his best years alongside the likes of George Best and Denis Law. "Ronaldo has just been fantastic," said Charlton. "It takes great players to grab the bull by the horns and lift people and he has been doing that recently. He does things I have never seen anybody else do. And he is as tough as hell. If you clatter him it doesn't bother him too much, he'll carry on. His goal at Fulham was just marvellous and I think he has been a better player than even people here realise." football.guardian